Searching for Jesus (Continued)

Well by now the holiday season is over and I am still reflecting on the reoccurring dream I had about baby Jesus missing from the manger. I ended that blog post- my first blog post "Searching for Jesus" with this:

It is well with my soul. Well, until it wasn't.

Little did I know that the dream- the realization of the meaning of the dream- God's presence in our present lives-is something I would have to cling to after this holiday season.

Christmas was hard. There were moments of joy that my daughter & I spent with each other, with special friends, dinners, laughs, snowman building, time with Jesus in our home church and in a church we can attend in my hometown that has welcomed us with open arms just aw we are. Very blessed moments for sure. However, there were also moments of intense pain-the kind of pain that can't be fixed with a bandaid for your kid or a "boo-boo bunny" that I used to use with my girl when she was little.

To be honest I have put off continuing the "Searching for Jesus" blog out of fear. Fear of saying what has happened this past year-- fear of other people's perception, fear of looking like an attention seeker, fear of being looked at or treated differently by others, fear of anger responses, fear of denial or disbelief from others because the "but you look so good- are you SURE?" responses, just FEAR. But then I remembered: In my very own post I told of a God that was no longer a baby in a manger. I told of a God who sent his own son as a representation of His own goodness. I told of a God who is the Great I AM who is here to help us during hard times if we just turn to look for him. He was never hiding. He never needed to be searched for. He was there- I just had to turn around and SEE.

So as I remembered and reflected I heard yet another reminder-- in my church I remembered my pastor Richard sharing Mark 5:19 during one of his messages. In Mark 5:19 we are instructed to TELL OUR STORY. It says to go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you. The man Jesus was speaking to didn't ask--but what will they think?, what if they don't believe me?, what if they think I'm crazy?, what if they get mad at me? what if? what if?. what if? NO he didn't. He went and told his story.

So... (take deep breaths Heather)...this past year has been difficult for my daughter & I because we have been (mostly) silently battling an illness together. I say "us" because cancer and addiction have an affect on a whole family. I was diagnosed with leukemia winter of 2019/2020. Treatments have been hard, the toll its taken on my body has been hard, loss of autonomy has been hard, fighting my own fear at the same time as watching fear in my daughter has been hard, watching my daughter at times battle with her own faith & trust in God has been hard.

The "until it wasn't" comment at the end of my first blog was this: It WASN'T well with my soul when I looked at & thought about my daughter living without her mom. It WASN'T always well with my soul when I allowed fear from the enemy to creep into my head making question what happens when we die, and it WASN'T always well with my soul when I thought about all the things I'd miss in my daughter's life.

Fast forward to 2020/2021 winter and Christmas this year. We live pretty far away from most of my family. My daughter goes back & forth in a co-parenting situation but her other side of the family is also mostly far away. We really needed to go "home"- and I use that word in quotations because home is actually here where she & I live in a loving (mostly functional lol) home. Anyway-- we needed to go "home" to my old hometown near my family for love & support. We had a couple great days- sled riding with my sister, niece, & dad,-snowman building with my dad & daughter-eating some good food. However, the unconditional love & support we were craving quickly vanished when a close family member who has been battling addiction for as long as I can remember made Christmas eve extremely difficult. After cooking all day mostly myself, cleaning, prepping for dinner, etc. the family member threw up all over the dinner table before we could even eat. The same family member proceeded to say hurtful things to not just me, but to my daughter as well. I watched the hurt & betrayal spread across my daughter's face- the same face who just a week before showed excitement & hopefulness for a warm place to land after such a hard year.

Why am I sharing this? I'm sharing so that others don't feel alone. I'm sharing because in this hard story God is still here with us. I am not sharing this to shame anyone. I am not sharing this so people can gossip & wonder who the family member is. Obviously they wouldn't choose any of this either. All those sleepless nights wondering why I was having a dream literally searching for Jesus- it was all a message. He is here. He has always been here with us. And, He will continue to be here with us through this. People inevitably disappoint us because of our humanness but our God is constant.

Hebrews 13:8- He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

*If you or someone you know struggles with addiction reach out for local help or call the SAMHSA number at 1-800-662-4357*